Stalking: Recognizing and Responding to the Problem

Stalking: Recognizing and Responding to the Problem

Until recently, the media usually only spotlighted stalking cases that involved high-profile entertainers and athletes. But stalking is not limited to the rich and famous. In reality, the majority of stalking victims are ordinary people.

According to the National Institute of Justice, “Any person who engages in a course of conduct directed at a specific person that places that person, or her family, in reasonable fear for their safety, is guilty of the crime of stalking.”

Prevalence and characteristics of stalking

- Experts estimate that more than 1 million women and nearly 500,000 men are stalked in the United States each year.
-Nearly one in 12 women and one in 45 men are stalked at least once in their lifetime.
- Seventy-eight percent of victims are women, and eighty-seven percent of offenders are men.
- Approximately 60 percent of female victims and 30 percent of male victims are stalked by current or former partners.
- It is estimated that 25 percent to 35 percent of stalking cases involve violence.
- Thirty-one percent of women stalked by a current or former partner have been sexually assaulted by that person.

Characteristics of the stalker

Stalkers come from all walks of life and socioeconomic backgrounds. Despite their demographic diversity, data shows that some characteristics are more common among stalkers than others:

- 87 percent are male
- 80 percent are white
- 50 percent are between the ages of 18 and 35
- most are of above-average intelligence
- most earn above-average incomes
- most suffer from a personality or mental disorder

Warning signs

There are several signs of stalking behavior, including:

- Persistent phone calls and contact despite being told not to contact in any form
- Sending the victim cards or gifts
- Disclosing to the victim personal information the offender has uncovered about him or her
- Disseminating personal information about the victim to others
- Monitoring the victim's Internet history and computer usage
- Waiting at the victim’s workplace or in her neighborhood
- Verbal or physical threats
- Sending messages: telephone messages, letters, e-mails, graffiti
- Sending romantic gifts as well as bizarre and frightening items

A list of behaviors is not always sufficient to determine whether one is being stalked, so trust your gut. If you feel a bit “creepy” about a gift or encounter, delve into what is making you feel that way. Remember: Real love never makes you feel creepy.

Three common types of stalkers

1. Simple obsessional. This is the most common type. The stalker is usually a male, and the victim an ex-spouse, ex-lover or former boss. This type of stalking usually results from the stalker's perceptions that the victim has mistreated him or her.

2. Love obsessional. The stalker is a casual acquaintance or even a stranger to the victim. This type often stalks a celebrity or public figure. The love-obsessed stalker begins to organize his life around harassment, to be noticed by the victim and make her aware of his existence.

3. Erotomania. This type falsely believes that the object of his obsession is secretly in love with him. He wrongly assumes that someone—usually a wife or lover—is keeping them from being together. The victims are commonly rich or famous or perceived as powerful.

What to do if you are being stalked

There is no easy answer to the nightmare of stalking. Most law enforcement agencies have antistalking personnel who are specially trained to help victims. The U.S. Department of Justice recommends the following preventive measures for anyone who feels threatened by a stalker:

- Install dead bolts or change locks.
- Install adequate outside lighting.
- Maintain an unlisted telephone number. If harassing phone calls persist, notify law enforcement.
- Treat any threats as legitimate and inform law enforcement.
- Vary travel routes and refrain from walking when possible.
- Inform a trusted neighbor or friend about the situation.
- If necessary, provide friends or neighbors with a photo or description of the individual and vehicles he may drive.
- If residing in an apartment with an on-site manager, provide the manager with a picture or description of the stalker.
- Have co-workers screen calls and visitors.
- When out, stay in public areas and try not to travel alone.
- Have quick access to critical telephone numbers and locations of law enforcement agencies.
- Have a plan to stay with friends when danger is perceived.

Remember that stalking is a crime and there is help available.

10 DEADLY Mistakes Guys Make During And After A Breakup

"10 DEADLY Mistakes Guys Make During And After A Breakup"
By Marius Panzarella. Personal comments are in italics.

Here's a list of what NOT to do if your girlfriend is breaking up with you.

1) Do NOT fight with her. Fighting ALWAYS creates tension and kills attraction. Fighting with a woman is useless. Even if you win the argument, you will still lose the war.

Marius got it damn right. You are trying to win her heart back, not making her despise you. The key here is mutual understanding. Give more and her heart is for you to take.

2) Do NOT try to use logic to show her why she should come back to you. Love is based on FEELINGS, not logic. No matter how brilliant your logic is, she's still going to leave you.

Yep, I totally agree.

3) Do NOT reassure your ex that you have "changed" so things will be "different from now on". It's like trying to bail water out of a sinking boat. It won't work. The hole is still there and your words are not going to mend it.

If someone can change for you, he\she can change for another person anytime. I believe being ourselves is very important. I personally will not 'want' anyone who is not himself. I won't change for anyone except myself, so I don't expect anyone to change for me. I think everyone should keep that in mind. You could loose you partner, your family and friends anytime, but you have yourself to keep.

4) Do NOT keep telling her you love her. She won't care. All a woman cares about is how much SHE loves YOU...not the other way around!

Yep, especially telling him\her how much you love them during\after the breakup. It's like saying it just to save the relationship. One will make the situation even worst saying it during\after the breakup. If you really love the person, save the ego and just say it while you both really are in love. If you didn't say it, it just means that you didn't love her anyway so why even say it after the breakup?

5) Do NOT beg her to come back. The more you beg, the more she will ignore you.

Not only will he\she ignore you, I think anyone in this position will feel 'stressed out' and annoyed.

6) Do NOT try to make her feel guilty about leaving you. (Examples: "I can't work without you." and "Don't break up with me during exam period...") It won't work. It will only make her DREAD being with you even more.

That's like a loser’s excuse don't you think? Exams or no exams, work or no work the relationship will end anyway. "I can't work without you." ? What a turn off. I don't want a useless person who can't survive on his own.

7) Do not act depressed so they will feel bad for you. Sympathy does NOT equal ATTRACTION!

Yes that's right. Unless you are a pet dog, then go act depressed. At least your ex will come back in pity and petting your head.

8) Do NOT talk to her friends to win their support. All she cares is how SHE fees about you. Even if her friends love you, they can't make her love you forever. External pressure never lasts longer. If your girl decides to stay with you, her motivation has to come from WITHIN.

It's worst if her friend doesn’t like you but you think they do.

9) Do NOT spend money on gifts and flowers for her. You can't buy her heart back with money.

You can't buy her heart back with money.

10) Do NOT push her into getting back with you. The more you push, the more she will PULL AWAY.

More is less. Less is more.

Why You Should Never Say 'Sex'

Why You Should Never Say 'Sex'
Author: Marius Panzarella

You should ALWAYS refer to sex as something else, such as "love-making" or "sleeping together". Why? Because the term "sex" is not very intimate, and women enjoy intimatcy when it comes to sex. To a woman, sex is not just about the physical aspects of having sex. There's a whole emotional side to it as well. They enjoy making love to a man they like, and sleeping on his arm after. By using the word "sex" to describe intercourse, you're really reducing the awesome emotional experience of love-making into a purely physical act.

So from now on, it's...
- "I want to make love to you" instead of "I want to have sex with you."
- "Yeah...we slept together" instead of "Yeah...we used to have sex together."
- "I love making love to you" instead of "I love having sex with you."
- "Remember the first time we made love?" instead of "Remember the first time we had sex?"

And so on...